Friday, 12 November 2010

my boy


My sense of growing love for my little man is so intense it feels physical at the moment. This might seem a little belated, given that he's four months old but I'll come clean and say that I didn't love him straight away. Not with the all-consuming, can't stop nuzzling him love I feel now. The love I felt for Matilda. A love sprung from amazement that we had produced something as mind-blowing as a baby. The love you're supposed to feel. I'm not sure why I didn't feel this with Owen. Perhaps simply because he's the second and I was not bowled over by every burp and fart. Perhaps because, as I have already mentioned, he was a bit of a miserable little bugger for the first three months. Perhaps because my irrepressible first born has a way of keeping all eyes on her. Perhaps all of these things. Perhaps because I am a sorry cold-hearted excuse for a mother... I don't really believe this last Perhaps. But sometimes, in all kinds of situations in life, not experiencing what is considered to be the natural emotional response can make you feel inadequate, or just wrong and broken. But I'm not inadequate. Or wrong and broken. Not as a mother anyway.

Perhaps with Owen, I just needed to get to know him. There are very few people I have loved at first sight. None, in fact. I had to get to know Matilda as well, but the amazement had me hooked from day one. I can remember being much more impatient during my second pregnancy to evict my little squatter so I could meet him or her. First time round I was having a baby. The second time I was having my second child, who I knew would be as complex a little being as my first. As usual, someone else has already said what I'm trying to say, and better. I've shared the wise words of the divine Eric Bibb with Jen before but I'm going to share them again. With Jen, and anyone else who might have stumbled across this site thinking it's a tribute to Ian Dury and the Blockheads.

"To know you is to love you, and I know you more and more each day".
From To Know You, on the album Painting Signs.

Have a listen to the whole song. It's worth it.

3 comments:

  1. What?!!! You didn't love me at first site. I am midly offended.

    Sadly I cannot comment on this, I have yet to experience children of my own. But I am sure it is normal. Plus he is a boy, we are always harder to love. ;oD

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  2. Ah but you're worth the effort x) He really reminds me of you in this photo. That's why I chose it. He's looking more and more like you. Maybe that's why I'm so overwhelmed with love for him.

    Is that better? Am I forgiven???

    But anyway, be fair, you did get me up in the middle of the night. Legend has it my first question in the morning was "Where's Dan?"

    xxx

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  3. I love that quote/lyric. It was worth taking 4 minutes to listen to this song while rocking Margot in my arms.
    With Margot, I think I probably felt the same way you did with Matilda.

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Many thank yous if you're taking the time to leave a comment. You are most lovely in my sight.